Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: A Normal Day
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: These are just things Skulduggery and co. do in the normal day. Chores, shopping, you name it. I take requests too!
1. Chapter 1: Mowing the Lawn

**This story does not have Skulduggery knowing what China did. Just to let you know. Please review!**

"Okay Valkyrie, since you live here part –time that means that you have to take some responsibility around here so that means," Skulduggery said to Valkyrie, who sat on the couch next to China munching on cheese puffs. "That you have to mow the lawn."

"WHAT!" Valkyrie leaped up, spilling cheese puffs all over the floor. China didn't even look up from the book she was reading. Since China's apartment had blown up China was staying at Skulduggery's house until remodeling was finished.

Valkyrie gawked at Skulduggery like he had grown a second head. "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

Valkyrie scowled. "I hate you."

"No you don't, you love me. Everybody does."

"Not the people who hate you, which is pretty much everybody you've met."

"You're mean."

"She's a mean girl," China murmured, turning a page and not looking up.

Valkyrie growled and stomped outside.

As soon as the door had slammed shut behind her, Skulduggery hurried over to the window with a video camera. "China, come over here."

China sighed, put the book down, and joined Skulduggery at the window. "What, do you want, and why do you have that camera?"

"This is going to be hilarious," was the only thing Skulduggery said, beginning to record.

She frowned and peered out the window to see what Skulduggery thought was so funny then stopped.

Valkyrie stood next to the push-mower that Skulduggery used to mow his lawn, poking it with a stick.

The mower lay on its side, Valkyrie had a very quizzical expression on her face, like as if she wasn't quite sure how to operate such a machine. Finally she stopped poking the lawn mower like an idiot and tipped it back onto four wheels. Valkyrie examined it for a few moments, walked around it a couple times then her face brightened and she pulled on the cord that started the mower then, after a few vicious tugs, paused and frowned.

She moved the mower a few feet and stood looking at the giant puddle of oil that had drained out when she had it on its side and stared. After another minute or two she walked away then reappeared a few minutes later with a sponge which she promptly dropped in the puddle of oil.

When it had soaked up a good amount of oil, Valkyrie picked it up and held it above the hole you put gas in and squeezed. A few drops came off and dribbled onto the mower, not in the hole.

Valkyrie scowled and chucked the sponge off into the yard then simply started the mower. She began to slowly mow the lawn, moving in vertical stripes up and down the yard.

Everything seemed to be going fine.

Until disaster struck.

Valkyrie swung the mower around and it ran over the sponge. There was a very odd sound that was made, a grinding noise mixed with the sound you make when you slap something wet. And then there were pieces of wet sponge flying everywhere.

Valkyrie yelped and let go off the mower, putting up her arms to shield herself from the sponge pieces that flew at her. The mower, still running, happily took off on its own. With no one to control it, it was now free to run. Or crash. Whichever.

"MOWER!" Valkyrie yelled and began chasing the mower around the yard.

Then they came to the oil puddle.

The mower reached it first and went flying the rest of the way down the hill.

Valkyrie was right behind it, her hand just about to grab the mower… then her feet went out from under her. She sat up just in time to see the mower crash into the window of one of the competing funeral parlors.

Skulduggery and China had recorded it all. Valkyrie stood in shock for a few moments, her back completely black, then she ran up to the house, opened the door, slammed it, "said nobody saw anything."

They heard footsteps going up the stairs as Valkyrie ran to her room, then a door slam.

"You were right, that was amusing." China said sitting back on the couch. "Next time, have Tanith do something."


	2. Chapter 2: Hot Pockets

**I got this idea from McAbbyGirl4Life's review so this chapter is dedicated to her! Thanks a lot McAbby! Also, Luna Shadows if you read this, I AM working on your request for Valkyrie's New Pet, promise!**

"I'm hungry." Valkyrie said.

"Why don't you make a hot pocket? We just bought some yesterday." China was flipping the channels. She shivered as she passed the shopping channel. She had a run in with it one time. Now she hated it.

"Good idea."

"But be careful, they're REALLY hot."

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

Valkyrie walked into Skulduggery's kitchen and went to the freezer. She pulled out the Hot Pockets and took one out of its wrapper then put it on a plate. She put it in the microwave then set the timer and started it.

After it was finished cooking, she took it out and, heeding China's warning. Lightly touched it with one finger. Cool.

"Huh, maybe I didn't heat it well enough." Valkyrie stuck it back into the microwave and set it for another minute.

When it was over she took it out and tested it again. A little warmer, but still cool. "Hmm…maybe I should put it in the oven."

Valkyrie walked over and stuck the plate and Hot Pocket in the oven then set the temperature for 350 degrees Fahrenheit and set the timer for five minutes.

She walked back into the living and plopped down next to China. "What's on?"

"Nothing."

Valkyrie watched the channels flip by until her timer went off. "Oh! Hot Pocket's done!"

She ran off into the kitchen and opened the oven. She reached in to grab the plate then yelped and jumped back. The plate was HOT.

Valkyrie grinned. The food must nice and warm. She then reached over and got an oven mitt and put it on then happily reached in and pulled out the plate.

She took her finger and poked it. The perfect temperature.

Valkyrie picked it up and bit into it.

"HOT!"

Valkyrie dropped the plate and Hot Pocket and began to run around in circles. Finally she got a hold of her mind enough think of what would cool off her mouth. Water.

She raced over to the sink and stuck her head under the faucet and turned on the tap.

Cool water filled her mouth and she relaxed. Once the heat was gone and she pulled herself out from under the faucet she saw China standing in the door way looking at her.

"I told you to be careful."


	3. Chapter 3: The Shopping Channel

**Sorry I haven't updated in so long, I've been really busy and working on other stories. I'll try to update more frequently. And please remember to review! **

"Why do you not like the shopping channel?" Valkyrie asked China as they flipped past the shopping channel on Skulduggery's TV.

China shivered, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad."

"Yes it was."

"Then tell me."

China sighed and turned off the TV. She turned to Valkyrie. "It was a few years ago and I needed to get a new purse for the Sanctuary Ball that is hosted every year." She took a deep breath. "So I looked on eBay but didn't see anything I liked. Plus, most of it was used. Anyway, after looking through assorted magazines and shopping sights, I went to my last resort."

"The Shopping channel," Valkyrie guessed.

"Exactly. So I watched for a few hours till I saw it. The exact purse I was looking for. I called the number and put in my order. A few days later, the day of the ball, it arrived."

China took a shaky breath. "I took the box inside and opened it to find." She paused. "It was the wrong color."

Valkyrie stared. "I'm so sorry."

"I know."

Valkyrie patted her and Skulduggery walked in and cocked his head. "What are you doing?"

"You wouldn't understand," Valkyrie snapped. "Girl things."

"Oh."


End file.
